Asalamalaiukm brothers and sisters,

Again, my sincere appreciation goes out to Sheikh Feizal and Gerard for another eventful session. May Allah bless you both and give you aj’ar.

These days it just seems so hard to get married. Why do muslims make it hard? I know of one brother who was turned down by muslims so in the end he had no choice but to marry a christian, from which sorrowful events succeeded. So how can we prevent or aid others in eliminating cultural differences? It becomes disheartening when people tell you the trauma they been through.

Assalamu Alaikum

I was too much of a romantic once… but now I rather think, it’s a ‘numbers’ game…
I mean, who cares HOW you find that ’someone’ – who cares that we weren’t best friends in kindy, losing touch when our families moved to opposite sides of the world, but then many years later, in a crazy twist of fate, we were both internally driven to volunteer in the same orphanage, in the same village, in the same country of Zambia, where we both instinctively remembered the other upon first sight…who cares that there is no story to tell! As long as Allah blesses us with someone who treats us like royalty, who gives us our rights, and who fulfills their responsibilities – who cares about over-rated ‘beginnings’ when it’s the NOW and the LONG-HAUL that counts.

Nonetheless, I still appreciate beautiful poetry

Assalamu’alaykum brothers and sisters,

I would also like to comment and also trying to relate to Uthman, to be honest I am in the possition where I am kind of looking but until today I have not “found” the right one yet…but after some years, I end up being content with how I am today, and if it happens then it will happen…

But what I see here in Australia is that it is hard for us Youth to actually go out there and search….

There is no single safe forum to be able to do so (except perhaps a gathering like the lecture, however no one is going to go up to anyone as the intention to go to lectures is to gain knowledge in Islam and not looking for a spouse, it is quite embarassing as well for us sisters if we wanted to do that, I can imagine it is the same for the brothers as well)…

there are people out there who have good intentions in wanting to “match” A and B, however based on my experience many only do it for the sake of wanting to be a “Match Maker” then actually looking deep into who A really is or who B really is… I think many can relate to what I am saying

I wonder if there is something that can be done, I probably would not be in a possition to be able to do it, as I will be going back to my home country soon…but I think this must be addressed, as this will help our youth.

For Uthman, I sincerely think that Muslims do not try to make it hard, however due to muslims being a minority in Australia and being very very diverse in culture and background it is quite difficult to find a spouse in WA…also don’t forget this world is full of tribulation, so those trauma stories, might be Allah’s trial for them or a lot is due to their own doings, can’t really judge as I don’t know the whole story but that is how I look at it.

and also as everyone would agree, it is all in Allah’s will…so no matter how hard we look even if we use microscopes and binoculars, if it is not the right time and Allah does not Will it, then we will not meet him/her.

And all is not in gloom, Br. Gerard’s comment hits right on the dot…

“It is He who created you from a single soul, And made its mate of like nature in order that you might dwell with her in love….”(7:189)

Half of Your Faith by Tariq Ramadan

How many men and women prepare themselves to live as a couple, as a family?

Some think about it, others are already committed to it. We hear of stories… and one is sometimes moved by the expectations and hopes of some, and sometimes saddened by the painful life experiences of others. Perhaps you are also, sisters and brothers, preparing yourselves to engage in this life experience of marriage, known as half of your faith. Or perhaps you have already started sharing your life with someone. In this, your expectations, thank God, were more than met but sometimes doubts have emerged. This… is not what you had expected.

Brothers and sisters, nothing should be idealized.

The perfect husband or the perfect wife only exists in your dreams. God has given you, as He has given others, noble qualities and intelligence. God has given you, as He has given others, faults and deficiencies. Perfection is not given to you or any human being.

It is not enough to share the same faith, the same principles and the same hopes to make an ideal couple. How many young couples have been under the illusion that their future life will be harmonious as if being Muslim was enough for a successful marriage? As if their union was based solely on the meeting of two worlds founded on the same principles that one respects or on the rules which one applies.

This illusion, which yesterday promised a small earthly paradise, today makes life a difficult struggle How many speak about “the principles of marriage in Islam” and actually live the reality of a torn, ravaged and frustrated existence?

Today, more than ever, living as a married couple has become a real challenge. Around us, men and women meet and leave each other in a modern society in which they confuse freedom and the absence of accountability as love and flexibility.

Living as a couple is not without its challenges – preparing yourself, learning and constantly trying to reach out to the other with patience, depth and tenderness. Although it is true that the principles of Islam bring you together, or will bring you together, you must remember each day that the person with whom you share your life comes with his or her own history, wounds, sensitivities and hopes. Learn to listen, to understand, to observe, to accompany.

Living as a couple is the greatest of tests: a test of patience, of attention, of the ability to listen for unspoken words, of self-control, of mending one’s faults, of healing the wounds. In each of these tests, there are two parties. It isn’t easy. A meaningful effort has to be grounded in the deepest sense of spirituality, a jihad, in the most intense meaning of the term. The jihad of love which reminds that feelings have to be taken care of. They are maintained, deepened, rooted through your shared challenges and your patience

Patience and attention to the hearts, in a couple, will lead them towards the light, God willing. Remember, brothers and sisters, the last of the Prophets (peace be on him), an example for eternity, so attentive, so tender, and so patient. He did not only remind the Umma of principles, he enlightened with his presence, his listening, and his love.

Before being the mother of his children, his wife was a woman, his spouse, a person he discovered each day, a person whom he accompanied and who accompanied him; subject of his attention, a testimony of his love. He knew the meaning of silence, the power of a touch, the complicity of a shared glance, the pleasure in a smile, and the kindness found in being attentive.

There are those who idealize the other so much they never really see their partners and those who leave each other too quickly without taking the time to know each other. We are reminded of the principles Islam, its depth, its spirituality, its essence. Living as a couple, forming a relationship, being patient in adversity, loving to the extent of enduring, grounding by way of reforming is an initiation to spirituality. Knowing how to be one with God assures greater comfort in being together as two. A challenge, a test, far from the ideal, close to reality.

Sisters and brothers, you must prepare yourselves to live one of the most beautiful tests of life. It requires all from you, your heart, your conscience, and your efforts. The road is long. One must learn to demand, to share, and to forgive…indefinitely.

Of the things permitted by God, divorce is the most detested. Living as a couple is difficult: remember that your wife is woman before being the mother of your children; remember that your husband is a man before being the father of your children. Know how to live as a couple, within your family…in front of God and in front of your children.

This meeting place, these efforts will result in a sense of protection: They are your garments and you are their garments. Know how to be patient, learn how to be affectionate, offer forgiveness, and you will attain the spirituality of the protected, the proximity of the ones that are close. Faith then becomes your source of light and “his or her” presence, becomes your source of protection; the test of your heart, the energy of your love, half of your faith.

I pray to God that this love be the school of your efforts and the light of your patience.

http://www.tariqramadan.com

Wa ‘alaikummussalam Nadia

Thank-you for your honest heart-felt comments. You chorus my own thoughts on the issue that is still yet to be addressed -where to start!

Because even if you go to ‘Muslim events’ hoping to meet and get to know new people (‘test the waters’), so many things seem to get in the way.
Firstly, it seems like most people just stick to their own comfortable groups – and many a time, you yourself are too shy to just be out there, starting up conversations with randoms. So you find yourself stuck where you began…
Then there is the ’self-image’ factor, not wanting to come across as ‘dodgey’ for want of a better term. So you fear simply being your ‘normal everyday self’-which is worrying, to think you may feel the need to be someone else…
But then, there is also the ‘just wanna do Right’ factor – but you find yourself confused over what is ‘right’ when there are so many cultural versions of it presented to you from all angles…

But then, truthfully, the biggest problem with a ‘testing the waters’ approach is: not being clear about people’s intentions and thus running the risk of giving wrong impressions or making misjudgements.
So I really respect people who are upfront and honest, without going overboard…

On that point, I know someone whose attention was caught by a sister shopping with her Mum – that very moment, he walks right up to the Mum and says straight up that he’s interested in her daughter. The sister’s standing right there thinking what is going on… Meanwhile Mum’s impressed that he hadn’t tried hook-up with her behind her back and invites him for dinner…which lead to more dinners… And now they are happily married!!

Moral of the story: if all else fails, hang out in Carousel with your Mum?

So on that note are there any sisters looking to get married? Gotta take that first step!

Thanks Wajma, that was a really great article and Rai “carousel” that is so funny but so true!

Anyone wanting to say yes to oozeman’s question raise your hands oops its the internet can’t see themm…hehehe..
On a serious note, Don’t know if this is being to upfront…I will be going back to indonesia…so…I guess even if I said yes…I dont think it would be fair to the brothers….

Br. Gerard, I think this will soon be a match making place lolz…

Salam guys,

I have to admit its quite hilarious reading the comments =D. I didn’t realise how romantic some Muslim men can be!!

I also think it’s a great idea if this turned out to be like a matchmaking point for those looking for love. At least you can be sure that the brother or sister you meet here are true genuine Muslims and Muslimahs, whom are sincere and who have clear intentions of getting married. You can trust that they won’t lead you astray. =D. Need to think about setting that idea up for them Gerard!

Reading the comments above I feel like I have to make one point of advice clear.

Once you find the one, marry him/ her as soon as possible.

Coming from a culturally rich background, my parents had my life figured out for me. Finish Uni, find a good job, find a boyfriend and get married. That didn’t happen, not in sequence anyways. I found a boyfriend in second year of Uni, got one more semester left this year and I have a good full time job in my field of study which I love, and am engaged, not married. One thing my fiancée and I made a mistake on was to defer the marriage until I graduate the middle of this year (my parents commands) despite desperately wanting to be married and to make us “official”, but we were too scared to confront my parents. And now my fiancée and I are on the verge of breaking up and are seriously thinking whether we should marry each other or not. How could it be that 2 years of happiness could turn into sorrow, despair and then come to this conclusion, in a matter of 8 weeks? Had we followed our desires earlier (and listened to his mum) and got married sooner, we wouldn’t be faced with this dilemma. Because of wanting to follow culture and tradition to the extreme, I could loose the one I dream to be married to.

They say that once you’re engaged, syaiton will try his hardest to stop you from building that mosque (building a matrimonial sanctuary/ getting niqah), therefore you will fight and fight and fight (with syaiton’s encouragement). And they say to never exceed your engagement after 6 months. My fiancée and I have been engaged for 9 months, and before this, we didn’t fight at all.

Weird isn’t it? But true nonetheless, otherwise Scholars wouldn’t confirm it.

I’m so glad I came to the lecture last week with my fiancée and my friends (our first time). I learnt so many things, for example, a lot of the tradition in my culture in regards to marriage is haram. And although my friends are already married, they said they also learnt many new things which is Alhamdulillah.

Don’t stall, once Allah has presented you with the one, get married, and Inshallah Allah will give you barakah throughout the whole marriage period for doing the right thing in the first place. Don’t rely too much on culture as you should base marriage on Islam, not your traditions. My fiancee’s mother does not follow a culture as such, as she prioritises Islam more than the traditions of her ethnicity, which is what we should do. Because when we die, we won’t die as what we are (Indians, Malays, Albanians, Germans), we will die as Muslims, we would all be equal. And we won’t be speaking our native tongue, we will be speaking the Arabic language. So prioritise Islam, and the traditions can come later.

Don’t make the same mistake I did. And all the best in finding the One guys =D.

PS: My other intention of coming to the lecture last week (solely for the marriage lecture however), was to also make new friends as I have not many Muslimah friends. So the idea of an “ice breaker” is fantastic, because there’s not much interaction happening between the students!!!!